i crave mercy

what i crave, now, is kindness. what i yearn for. there is so little of it in this world. and when i say this world, don't think i mean it in that 'out there away from us' kind of way Christians often use the phrase. i mean there is little kindness with US, all of us. you. me. the people we know. all of us in this mixed up, complicated, selfish human race. 

we are all yearning for love, you know? crazy for it, desperate. all the grace on this earth feels conditional, whether it is or not. if i do this, they will love me. if i do this, they will roll their eyes at me when i'm not around. if i say this, people will judge me. if i say that, people will think i'm judgmental. on. and on. and on. it's all a way of camouflaging our desperate need for love, for the grace of kindness. for mercy. 

we live in a time where people feel needy and unheard, i think. it's such a loud world now, and we add to the noise constantly. people are always shouting. conservatives and liberals and everyone in between, we're all making ourselves ridiculous trying to shout down everyone else, be the loudest, most convincing voice in the chaos. we post swaggery, sarcastic statements on facebook broadcasting our beliefs and belittling anyone who doesn't agree. and we say we're standing up for Jesus by doing so. it makes me so unhappy and angry, but i try to have compassion. because what i believe, deeply, is that it comes from a wounded place of feeling unloved and unheard, of yearning for grace. people who are secure don't swagger or shout. they just do their work, and bless the earth.

and why are we so needy? because we are human. because we are bottomless pits, starving for more, always. because we are deeply insecure. because we know how frail our love is. because just to be human hurts in a way no one can heal. because we try to make ourselves feel better by condemning others. because we try to protect ourselves from our own sins by scorning the sins we don't think we would commit. because we want so badly to take pride in our own wisdom, to show it off for everyone. our criticisms of others are like show and tell sometimes-- here, let me display the sensitivity and precision of my godly discernment by tearing other people down. see how wise i am? i'm so wise, i can find fault with anyone. 

i was recently in a conversation where two other people were criticizing someone else--not at all viciously, i should say, and for something that, if true, would have been fair grounds for criticism. they were really discussing this. they were getting in that mode where you are criticizing someone else in a world-view commentary sort of way, pondering the implications of this particular action, why it happens, what all exactly is wrong about it. the trouble is, i happened to know that what they were criticizing this person for was actually not the case. it just wasn't true. they had an incomplete set of facts and just assumed the rest. 

and i thought, there it is. there it is, that thing we all do. we look at the facts available to us, and we fill in the gaps, often in very unkind and unflattering ways. we seldom assume good of other people. why can't we just leave it alone?-- because we have this insatiable need to HAVE AN OPINION. to make a judgement. to exercise discernment, if you'd like to say it in a more flattering Christian sort of way. we have this desperate need to always know what we think about a person, a situation, an event. why? our opinion doesn't matter. God is the judge, and he sure isn't about to ask us what we think. the only thing i truly need to have an opinion about is what God has set before me. in my own life. everything else, i'm pretty sure, won't be affected by whether i have an opinion about it or not. 

i crave the ability to reside in the space where there is no opinion. this is one of the faces of mercy, to simply turn away. to say, "i don't need to form a judgement about this, because i don't know all the facts." to resist the urge to fill in the gaps with my own unflattering assumptions. to realize how much of the time i don't know all the facts, and will never know all the facts. we are so mysterious to each other in the end. we are so unknown, so unrevealed, so remote. we can know so little about the rights and wrongs of another person. 

i crave mercy. i crave receiving it. i crave the feeling of extending it to others. simply. reflexively. as the natural response of a merciful heart. i crave the offering of that benediction. 

mercy. mercy. how i crave mercy. i crave kindness. let's not continue in this falsehood that it's cute and sassy to say witty, snarky things about other people. i yearn to be someone who always speaks out of humility. mercy can't come forth out of any other condition. and not self-loathing-- true humility, that esteems others better than self. humility, that doesn't even think about self. i yearn to be someone who tends and blesses what is mine, and leaves the rest to God. i yearn to refuse my ego the satisfaction of opinions and criticisms. i yearn for the space where there is only mercy, only kindness, only grace. 

 oh my heart, be kind. be merciful. we are all yearning for it.